A short collection of poems, by Kaedyn Bollinger
19 people were in the room today
Actually, it was 18
One person decided to set up shop outside the doors
Also I didn’t count,
So I could be spreading misinformation
I’ll continue…
Judgement couldn’t be felt in this space
Each one of us brought uniqueness to the sequence
We see the green light to move, but we lay still
We will wait through the yellow and red lights until we can move once again.
Our neighbor is at the next light now
Toughing it out in downward facing dog for the umpteenth time
But once we finally approach him,
He is now resting in child’s pose
It is our turn to gather that same strength
Laying flat now,
The world inside my mind feels hushed
My neighbor is expelling his soul
As I whisper mine to the air, I am giving a bit of myself away
Chipping away at myself
I become very aware that tears could burst if I let them
I shift my focus to everywhere I am tight
I manually untie the knots at my joints, and I
Sink into the floor deeper
My vision is overexposed
My movements slow down and speed up sporadically
I am dancing on a stage
This scene now reminds me of the opening to a House episode,
The camera is focusing on the main event, but the audience knows someone in this scene will soon be symptomatic
The lens distorts as the unlucky character falls ill
I am using wide movements to cover the stage
I’m in the air one moment, then in the next, I'm rolling on the floor
Now I’m spinning
I’m in a trance, but I’m also the hypnotist
I’m desperately shoving myself into thought because I know my time here is limited
I know what I’m focused on
It’s a small moment that some part of myself is suspended over
I pictured dancing with him the last time I was on this floor, so I knew this moment would come again
Except he’s in the audience this time,
Off to the left
I struggle at first to picture it:
His glance
Focused on the emotion in a glance of a stranger, but why?
I never learned his name, and his eyes pierce through this moment
I expect my movement to pause by being caught off guard
And it does, almost unnoticeably
And only briefly, in that second we made eye contact
Did your eyes hold some deeper knowledge?
Were they encouraging, or were they fearful?
And why does it matter to my mind to solve it?
Maybe, in that moment, your eyes predicted our falling out
As you looked at us, what were you thinking?
This expression you faced me with now feels comparable to facing myself in a mirror
How do I feel?
It’s a hollow expression that is screaming incomprehensible emotion
And I don’t even know if it has to do with you anymore
My time here is almost up,
I run down the aisle like a bride running out of her own wedding
But you’re gone,
And I’m left feeling like I’m waiting at a radio hoping for a ghost to communicate what they were holding back in life
I know I won’t find my answer here, in this place
Because eyes can’t speak English
And the person I really struggle with forgetting,
The one who has a defined mouth and vocal cords, forced me to forget a while ago
When the world is quiet, my energy switches the radio back on
But it’s all static now
And it hurts my ears to keep it on, but it also feels necessary
Because maybe I’ll turn it on again one day,
And I’ll hear something
For now, my body sees two paths:
One in which my static call is answered,
And one in which I rotate the dial and allow myself to hear what’s playing on the other stations
Because static gives me a headache after a while
So I listen to music as my body tingles of static,
Longing for a shock to my bleak expectations
I wash away this sensation
I stop myself from questioning the process of life
I wonder if there was ever any reciprocation
I doubt my feelings because they felt real to me,
But somehow knowing they weren’t felt in return makes me want to snatch them back and convince myself of their untruth
My heart throbs on longer than its expiration date
This useless heart is placed into a cooler,
It isn’t eligible as a means of revival for someone in critical condition
It should be thrown out, but maybe it has other uses
Maybe it’ll be eligible to help the next person
Maybe it can be used to help create a better life for someone one day
Maybe this life will be stronger than it was before
And how cool would it be if my disregarded detached heart could morph into a new life
It’s what the heart longs for—
Revival
But what it doesn’t realize is that once it’s inside a host, it will be their blood that pumps it from there on out
The heart has no say in this
What the heart knows for sure is that whatever it enters next will be in a different form than what it is used to
March 31st 2022
Thursday, 12:42AM
acacia speaks ༄ 